I was staring at the rain drops the other night when I asked myself “How are you doing?” then I really didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to lie and say “Everything’s fine!”. Then it got me thinking all night as I remember everything again; every question that kept me awake during those times when people are probably snoring and having their sweetest of dreams, every tear that I tried to hide so people won’t ask and worry, and every bit of memory with you that I wanted to forget so I can give myself a fresh start.
I’ve been through sleepless nights and it’s one of the many worst parts I have found myself being questionably blessed with. And though there were nights like I wanted to give up, I would always find myself praying at night and that it’d give me hope to be okay tomorrow. Because even if things feel like they’re not okay for a long time, or it might feel like they’re never going to be okay again, everything works out in the end.
Every damn day is another day of heart ache. While I struggled in helping myself find a way to forget, I just couldn’t stop thinking about you and all those promises. How can something surreal turn in to something so tragic?
The day when I realized you’re gone felt like I had lost the sense of sight. I had lost the chance to ever see the beauty of everything that’s left with me. My vision seemed to fade that I’d hope for a rainbow under the shades of black and white. It felt like I’m allergic to all the food I used to like. It felt like I’m deaf that I didn’t know what/who/how to listen to and respond to everything that’s ever said to me. BUT I NEVER ACCEPTED THAT.
I struggled to take back everything that seemed gone at the moment. I did not want to lose my sanity over something I know everyone can cope with. From what I understand in love, it has to start from yourself. Fill yourself with love that you need so you won’t be left alone shattered. And that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE!
I forgot about myself because you’re all that I ever think of. I fell in love with the feeling of being madly in love for the first time. It’s like a magic. Nobody believes it’s possible but it happens. I was blinded by it that I totally forgot to see what I truly deserve. I had lost myself trying to give you every little thing inside me that nothing was left for me.
Now I know how it feels to (somehow) recover from this. I feel thankful despite all. Thank you that you slapped my face from the reality of life – that it is not always going to be as sweet as a cotton candy. Thank you for making me realized that I should learn to love myself more. Thank you for having me experienced how it is like to love someone so much and so true. Discovering that I am capable of loving made me the best person you had lost the chance to be with.